Oh, blogging. Let’s try you once more. I hate feelings, but I feel like I need to visually document a plethora of thoughts to sort out my life and deal and potentially plot out a course of action.
The problem is, I’m an idealist--to the core. I’ve always tried to see the good in everyone and at certain times, I’ve allowed myself to be walked all over because I was so adamant about seeing that good or avoiding confrontation.
The problem with idealism is you have a vision of wanting every situation to be perfect. I know I’ve woken up to reality to the point of accepting that adaptability is what we should strive for, as opposed to perfection. I guess I just have a hard time accepting that so much can be going well in a relationship, yet there are snags I can’t overlook. Does that mean I get over it and settle (which is reality) or strive for the perfection I used to, even though I have enough experiences to know that is impossible to achieve.
I guess I’m trying to recalculate where I lost my sense of trust--in others and in myself. I don’t want to blame it on past relationships or experiencesl, but it’s time to reevaluate. Maybe it boils down as far as growing up well-off and always getting my way. Maybe I’m finally realizing that rewards come with work. But, I think it may go further, I just don’t know where. It doesn’t even matter, because no matter what the cause of all of these mental barriers is, it’s time I take action and destroy them.
I might need to step back and learn from my past mistakes sooner than later. I’ve felt like a zombie the past few months--going through motions as opposed to living in every, single moment. A job that I am fortunate to have has felt like a job. I’m always tired, and I probably worry more than I display on the surface. My weeks seems to run together with no noteworthy events or progress. When I get home, I either want to sleep or go out and decompress. I miss having energy.
I’ve explained to quite a few people that I try to make life resemble a pie chart with equal parts and balance given to work; leisure time with friends; band practices/gigs; time for personal practice/exploration/growth; and my boyfriend. Ideally, all of these segments should hold equal value. Sometimes, there just aren’t enough hours in the day to give equal attention to all, or you’ll compromise your attention to detail just to attend to every aspect. You’ll either feel the threshold about to snap or like you’re half-assing everything, which is what I’m feeling now (on both accounts).
The underlyring and surprising root of this is probably not what anyone would expect. For the past 6 months, I’ve felt like I’m constantly compromising my schedule for someone who doesn’t reciprocate. I’ve allowed the ball to be in someone else’s court. As much good as there is in this situation, the lack of reciprocation is more obvious than ever. And that’s what I mean about not “settling.” Yes, no situation’s perfect, but there is a fine line between something that works naturally and something’s foundation you have to personally hold up 24/7. It takes so much energy, and maybe that’s where I’ve misplaced that aforementioned energy. Maybe this is all coming out of the woodwork due to some disrespect shown beyond a personal level. Maybe it’s realizing that this whole thing might be surface-level and being into each other for what we are, as opposed to who we are. Maybe the lack of reciprocation and care is more blatant than ever (i.e. “I’m too lazy to drive to Arvada.”) I don’t know. Honestly, this might just be the innocent reality that 2 people have overbooked "pie charts" and simply need to look out for #1.
From here on out, it’s all about taking action. I feel like I might make an abrupt decision out of the blue that I might later regret, but I’ll never know unless I act. I’m sick of thinking and not doing. I need to quiet my head, take my heart of my sleeve and act with my gut. My “pie chart” is gonna explode, and reality says something’s gotta give. This may not be the most logical course of action, but what’s the worst that can happen?
It’s gonna be an interesting day. At least I take comfort in the fact that at the end of the day, I will be able to come home and watch my guilty pleasure, Jersey Shore....
